Saturday, December 31, 2011

All kinds of catching up...

Here's a secret: I'm great at resolutions.  I keep them.  I'm the annoying, responsible person in any room, I follow thru, I like to accomplish things...I like to cross things off a list, I like things neat and tidy...overall, my OCD need for these things, makes me less fun than most people.  But sometimes it comes in handy.  and January 1st is one of those times.  Because I'm a resolution rockstar.
My Google Reader is full of resolutions and reflections this week and it makes me want to do the same thing.  Last year was a  year of changes, of survival, of just-get-thru-it.  Last year was hard...there were so many firsts...not the good kind of firsts.  When I think back on last year there is a montage in my head of times I sat down in the middle of whatever room I was in, overwhelmed, and sobbed, because I had no idea it was possible to feel this alone.  I miss my mom.  I don't say it out loud too often, and when I do its to the same person and one person can only hear the same statement so many times before they're desensitized to it...I wish the same held true for saying it...because each time the words come out of my mouth, they hold the same amount of feeling as crying on the kitchen floor.  I just miss her. It seems this whole year, changes, etc...held that sentiment...
January and February: were a blur...I worked, I packed up my moms things, I cleaned out her house, I transferred titles and policies, I paid off bills, I sent letters to insurance companies, I returned mail and cancelled subscriptions.  I came to St.Cloud...a lot.  I hid here.  I cried here, I felt safe here.  In February my best friend Priscilla and I had "do nothing day" - it may have been my favorite day of last year.  We played video games (Mario, of course) and ate junk food and watched movies and we may have played a game or two.  We watched an informational DVD about Ireland.  It was relaxing, and safe.  We didn't leave her living room floor for an entire day.  It was glorious.  
March: held several things, but all I cared about was moving.  It was my last month in Bismarck and while I needed to get out of there - I needed to not live in my moms house anymore, in the back of my mind I knew the minute I drove past the city limits, Bismarck would never be "home" again...there was nothing left there...I have lots of Memories of March.  My last appointment with my doctor in Bismarck, a call from my dermatologist saying a mole I'd had removed came back as full blow melanoma (really, God?), closing the door of my moms house for the last time, pulling away from the yard following the Uhaul with my whole life inside.

 giving my moms dog, Libby away...the family pet we've had for 10 years, watching them drive down the street with Libby watching me thru the side window...

March was tough...March was mostly good byes...
April and May: were a blur.  They were unpacking and adjusting (again).  They were learning the routines of a new restaurant.  They were reconnecting and establishing myself.  If its possible to say it, they were uneventful.
June and July: were tumultuous.  Honestly, some really painful things happened in June and July...some work related, some personal and all things I don't want to think about anymore. 
August: Family vacation to Holden Beach, NC.

The balloons in all the pictures represented my mom.  She left a letter that I found after she died saying to use some of the life insurance money to take my family to this beach (our favorite place) and remember her.  We got family pictures taken and I wanted her in them.  This picture of me letting the balloons go has been as cathartic to look at as it was to actually do.  

September and October: are different than November and December in only one way.  The firsts were the hardest...My moms birthday is the end of September and the anniversary of her death and the preceding week in the hospital was the end of October.  They were really difficult months.  I cried a lot, I talked less than I should have, I didn't connect with people well during those months, and that made me a basket case.  I honored her on both of those days in small ways and mostly in my mind...they were really hard, but knowing I got thru them is huge. 

November and December: I've heard often that the second year is worst than the first when it comes to grieving, and in many ways I think that is true...real life has set in and now its just adjusting to the new normal. But overall, I am coping much better now that the firsts are done.  I dreaded the unknowns so much, I didn't know how I would feel or react to the firsts and sometimes that was felt like being out on a cliff and just waiting to see how hard the wind would blow and which direction would it come from.  Christmas was still hard...and I'm beginning to think it always will be.  

Changes, firsts, and just-get-thru-it's...survival.  That was a summary of my year...if you're thinking I wasn't very positive and I didn't find many good things in last year, well, you're right.  I struggled last year.  But thats what new beginnings are for, right? :)  
And speaking of new beginnings...
I decided on the Animas Ping, it arrived yesterday and I have my pump start appointment on Tuesday!!!!!  I'm SO excited :D  I just finished the paperwork for the DexCom and will be starting that the beginning of February.  
So...resolutions and hopes for 2012. 
1. Health.  because last year was mostly about survival, my health took a back seat...that's understandable considering the circumstances, but it doesn't need to anymore.  I know it will be tough, but I am determined to do better this year.  I'd love to make some lofty and specific goals like how many times a week I'm going to work out, and how much weight I'd like to lose and what I'm not going to eat, but we all know that doesn't work.  For me, the blog world has been about diabetes.  I read about other people who are like me and I feel supported, I write about my diabetes because its hard to talk in depth about (and if you haven't guessed it already, I process by talking :p).  But this year I want to write about health in general.  Being healthier emotionally and physically.  The only for sure goal I'll set is this: the first half of the year I want an A1C below 7 and the second half I want at a 6.5 or below.  Challenging and manageable.  Perfect :)

2. This is my big one.  I don't know when it happened, but I got quiet and scared.  I stopped having an opinion when I thought it was going to cause a problem, I got scare of making people upset, and I cared more about being liked than respected.  I have kept quiet at the expense of my values.  This year my main resolution is to be more direct and honest.  
I'll start here.  

So...for me, 2012 is going to be a year of rebuilding.  Myself, my health, relationships I let fall to the edges...I'm ready for it :)


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