Friday, December 2, 2011

Time flies...

The last couple weeks have gone by without my even noticing!!  I met some college friends in the Cities one weekend, my aunt and grandma came for a few days to go Christmas shopping, one of my best friends from high school came up from Tennessee (with her fiance!!), work got busier (finally) keeps going no matter what I guess...
Sometimes I want it to slow down or even stop.  Why doesn't the restaurant slow down when I get low?  Why doesn't time quit when I want to lock myself in a room and miss my mom?  And why can't it be February now so I can go to Florida and have a week off?  Time is dumb sometimes.
My next A1C is in 10 days.  This is my first time really, truly caring what the number will be as a person with T1.  a year and a half ago, I worked hard for my 7.9 - exercising sometimes twice a day, eating next to no carbs - truly proud of my 7.9 but terrified that I wouldn't be able to keep that in check for the rest of my life.  Fast forward a few months to several weeks over 500, right after my mom A1c was 12.1, and my endo was not an idiot so she ran some tests and thats when I got the T1 diagnoses.  That meant nothing to me...I didn't care.  Whatever, teach me how to give myself the shot, my mom is dead and nothing else matters...I didn't hear anything she said.  8 months went by...8 half hearted, mid to high 200's, walking slowly thru jello months.  I was in a fog, my life was as out of control as it could get without losing it completely.  Inside that 8 months I sold my moms car, I sold her house, I took 90% of her belongings to goodwill, I gave away her dog, I said good bye to my childhood home and moved out of state, I made a couple of new friends, lost some old friends and slowly began to...I want to say pick up the pieces of my life...but the truth is, there weren't really any pieces to pick up.  There was nothing left...the only things that came with me to this new place were my cat and my diabetes.  I am different.  Who I am now is not the same as who I was a year ago.  So, I began to rebuild...I made a dentist appointment, an eye doctor appointment and I tried to find a primary doctor (harder than I thought it would be), and I began the journey to finding a new endo.  I'm in a new place, so I'm a new patient.  They told me the waiting list was 8 months.  (Seriously?!).  So I made an appointment with someone an hour away.  Whatever, its something.  My first A1C (3 months ago) was over 11.  This guy...I think he's a good doctor...but I also think he's autistic.  He has some serious social issues.  I feel like someone must have written down what he should say on an index card, and he only knows to read that card...he is completely unable to deviate.  Its okay, he's a person who will tell me to do better, and I respond well to that.  My mom isn't around to make me care anymore, so screw you world, I don't care.  Well, thats not going to get me anything but dead.  And my autistic endo isn't really helping much.  So I tried again here in St.Cloud - they called me back to make an appointment (6 months out) and after making small talk with the receptionist she was able to get me in in 2 months.  Thats next week.  Only one thing changed since my first appointment with the autistic endo.  He gave me the website for the ADA and I looked it up.  From there I found an interesting note about online support.  I searched...I don't know, even...anyway, I found this blog: and how I feel about God changes from day to day...I am positively SURE that God himself reached into my computer and made this website pop up at the top of my Google search.  Magically, after about 4 seconds of reading, I began to see my diabetes differently.  I felt motivated and inspired and many other things that deserve the hallelujah chorus.  And I haven't looked back.
I test like I should, I give myself shots, my blood sugars have gone from the mid to high 200's (when I tested them once a week or so anyway, thats what they were) to the low to mid 100's.  I'm learning about my body...I'm learning how to balance my life differently, I'm taking control.  And it feels good.  My mom would be proud...and THAT feels good.  So, in 10 days...I have no idea what my A1C will be...but I know it won't be in the 11's, I will see progress and I can't wait.  Is it weird that I'm super excited about this??  It can't be worse...I know I've done better, and I desperately want the pat on the back that something under 10 will give me :)
Also...I like this...I like writing my thoughts, and I don't do it as often as I should because time doesn't stop just because I want to think out loud.  So, I need to get better at making time for it...because my head feels clearer already.

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