Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Is it Christmas yet?

You can't really tell from the picture, but that is a Christmas bow.  Nikedah is ready for Christmas :p  I got her two of them.  She hates them both.  I also got some cat food for the humane society.  Christmas makes me happy.  
Yesterday and the day before I couldn't seem to keep my blood sugar over a hundred.  I dosed correctly, even less after I realized it was happening, and still...low.  Nothing below 60, but anything below about 75 makes me shaky and...just generally unhappy feeling.  Ick.  
This afternoon I was at a happy 109 when I tested after lunch.  I did two things differently yesterday - I didn't work as hard at work, and I put grenadine in my diet Pepsi.  So, constant little shots of sugar for hours on end.  Okay, not great, I know.  But it worked.  I've opened the last 3 mornings. I love opening because the day goes by so quickly (but as a night person I start to dread 8:30, because thats generally the most productive time of day for me and now I'm exhausted.  Anyway, so I like mornings.  Once I've got the prep list done, I can just zone out and get stuff done for a couple of hours...then there is that time from 10 until about 11:30 that I'm running around trying to get everything done, drawers out, line check, stuff to the line, phone calls, etc...its less physical work and more mental, but that seems to have the same effect.  Today there was just less to do.  It was slow yesterday so the prep list was pretty small, I had a prep cook and 2 line cooks so...I just worked slower (and I did a lot of dishes).
Something I'll have to tweak I guess...less insulin when I open.  more when I close.  The restaurant world is unpredictable...diabetes is unpredictable.  I thrive on predictable.  I see this being a problem.
Tonight after work I went to Target (just to get more current yogurt obsession) and I got stuck in the Christmas'll happen a lot.  This is the first of many times :)  But I found the Christmas candy and I decided to make peanut butter kiss cookies tonight for a Toys for Tots meeting at work tomorrow. Well, its 8:40 and I'm obviously not making the cookies, but I also got Reese's bells candy...I can guarantee I'm not going to be low tonight.  oops.  Maybe I'll go for a walk after this.  
Okay...catching up on these questions.

What inspires you to take care of yourself when you are feeling down about living with a health condition?  Honestly, lately, its blogs.  Reading the blogs of other people who feel like I do is the most motivating experience for me.  Quite a few of the people around me know I'm diabetic...some ask questions, and most are misinformed, but no one gets it...not really.  They don't get that its a pain to test constantly, they don't get how frustrating it is to wonder if whatever I'm feeling at any given moment is a symptom of a high or a low, they don't get how important all these magical numbers are to me...and I don't need them to.  Maybe sometimes I don't even want them to.  But knowing that there are people out there who do know, and who worry about the same things...thats what inspires me to keep going when its hard.

What are you doing in your community to celebrate World Diabetes Day?  I'm ashamed to say nothing.  I thought about it all day.  I wore blue.  But I said nothing.  I was embarrassed, I didn't want to sound ridiculous.  Next year, I'll do better.  I promise.  

Who is a diabetes related person you admire, and why?  That's a tough one since I haven't had that much experience with the diabetes community.  In the few months I've payed attention to other diabetics I haven't MET any of them, I don't know anyone personally.  However, I look forward to reading Kelli's blog at Diabetesaliciousness every day!  Its dumb, but I feel like I can relate to her because her mom recently passed away.  She called herself an orphan in a post not long ago and I cried.  I related.  I feel like an orphan.  And feeling another orphan's pain makes this journey a little less lonely.

I'm excited for tomorrow's question.

Last time I wrote I talked about glass balls and plastic balls...and control balls too I guess.  I've been thinking so much about those things lately...
I have another thought about that.  I'm having to learn how to advocate for myself.  I'm low, I HAVE to stop for a minute.  I feel funny, I NEED to go test.  not just drink some juice, blindly, and move on.  I'm learning that I have to pay attention to myself more than I sometimes want to.  and for that, I'm not sorry.  But in the process of paying attention, of realizing that my health is worth the work I'm putting into it...I'm also realizing that I need to stand up for myself in life.  I'm NOT good at that.  I'm an understanding and a compassionate person, and I tend to let people walk all over me if they want to.  I blow things off because I want to be nice. I guess thats where all the glass, plastic, control balls thoughts have come in.  I am a whole person if I let myself be.  If I work at it, my health can be good.  If I work on them, my relationships can be good.  But people are unpredictable and I can't always know how they're going to react...I'm caught off guard sometimes, I feel hurt sometimes, I feel that I've been treated unfairly sometimes.  I can step back and let it happen...or I can advocate for myself.  Yesterday I said this to one of the most important people in my little world..."I thought I was fighting for our friendship before, but what I realize now is that I was setting a precedent...and compromising my own worth in the process.  I care...I care so much.  but I won't go thru that again." I stood up for myself and choose to react differently to a situation that I've always allowed to happen before.  It hurts...still today, it hurts...but I have a couple control balls...control over what I'll take and control over how I'm going to feel.  Diabetes is unpredictable too...I can do all the right things and still I'm low sometimes...or incredibly high.  I can step back and let it consume me, or I can gather more information and understanding and remember that tomorrow is a new day and I'll continue to fight the battle.  

On another note, I did a happy dance, right on the expo line at work, when I got an email saying I had a comment from someone yesterday!

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