Sunday, January 22, 2012

Five things

1. I had the scariest low I've had yet, last week.  I was 41 after I drank some juice and waited a while.  I woke up in the night and couldn't move...literally, couldn't force myself to move, I kept almost falling asleep but I realized that I was low and needed the juice box next to my bed, but I just couldn't do it...I knew from reading other people's blogs that I was starting to lose consciousness, and if it wasn't for that, knowing what was happening, reading other people's detailed accounts of their lows, I wouldn't have known HOW important it was to stay awake and get the juice.  It felt like an hour that passed, between forcing my arms to work, forcing myself to roll over, forcing myself to wrap my fingers around the juice, then fighting the clumsiness to get it open, and put the straw in the hole, then in my mouth...then drink...all of it, felt like I was climbing a mountain, and in slow motion.  So, I drank the juice, then I just waited...maybe I woke up soaked in sweat, but the first time I noticed it was after I had some juice...finally, after ten minutes or so I got up to test...41.  what was I before?  Not cool.

2. I'm going back to Bismarck to work for a couple of weeks...I'm looking forward to being back in my old store, working with the other managers there...I can't wait to see some friends while I'm in town!  But I'm nervous...I haven't been back since last June...since just a few months after I moved from there, and when I think about going back...well, its not going home anymore.  My moms not there and that's what made it home.  I'm sad, and I'm nervous, and...I miss my mom.  I just miss her...

3. I got 2 different kinds of insets to try - the kind that goes in straight and one kind that goes in at an angle.  I haven't quite mastered the ones that go in at an angle and I don't think I like them. 

4. I also haven't quite mastered WHERE to put them.  I learned the hard way last week that its not okay to put them right over your rib cage.  What on earth made me think that was a good idea?  Live and learn I guess...

5. I have the worlds most painfully difficult pro/con list going for a decision I don't want to make.  Its split 50/50 almost exactly and one side is purely emotional while the other side is completely logical.  Its annoyingly similar to this banter that's constantly going on in my head.  In terms of fight or flight I always use to see my self as a person who fought.  Fight for whats important, when it matters stand up and fight back, when the chips are down you stick it out, when you're backs against a wall, come out punching, yada yada yada... I don't know what happened but I changed.  Now I want to run.  I've reached the limit of how much I can be hurt in one lifetime, I'm done.  flight. Leave, get out before you get knocked out.  

Friday, January 13, 2012

Junior High

Today I feel like I am in junior high more ways than one.  First, I got my period today and I had no idea that was going to happen.  I mean, come on...I'm 28.  12 times a year for the last 15 years this has happened.  I know the warning signs...and yet, tonight, I was completely surprised.  I cried yesterday, I ate chocolate like it was going out of style, and today...oh, today...and then it happened.  And I was shocked.  This hasn't happened since junior high.

Our boss is in town and when that happens, people go out and drink.  I enjoy it as much as everyone else does.  But tonight, I didn't get invited.  Most days, I love my job.  Most days I really like the people I work with...most days.  But there are some days mixed in there that I feel completely ineffective, or not respected, or just plain not liked.  Because my store has such a veteran staff, even though I opened the staff with a lot of them, I was gone for a couple of years and since I came back, I have not really felt like part of the group anymore.  I have made some new friends and reconnected with some old friends, not to mention that my boss is my best friend.  I've never needed to be part of the "popular" fact, my whole life I've generally disliked that group of people.  But here...I feel left a way I haven't felt since junior high...tonight I didn't want to be sitting at home after work watching tv...tonight I wanted to be out with everyone else, having a good time.  But, just like junior high, I didn't get invited...

I like  love my insulin pump.  Aside from the first time I did it myself when I either did it wrong or had a bad site or something, its been great...I can already tell its giving me more control and I am learning how to use it like a pro...but wearing it is tough.  I switched to my right side and all day long it drove me crazy...the clip pinched the skin on my waist, my work keys are also on my right side, I forget that its there and pull at my shirt...its annoying.  I'll get it, but its annoying.  Anyway.  I love it.  BUT.  I am SO self conscious about it sticking out under my shirt.  When I'm not working I wear hooded sweatshirts almost all the time, but at work, in clothes that are more fitted, I know it sticks out.  I feel like there are neon arrows surrounding me, that point to my pump and they all say, look, she's different.  Sometimes my thumb gets caught on the tubing too and when that happens I know the tubing sticks out the bottom of my shirt...I feel awkward and like I stick out...I know its probably not like that, I know its just a tiny little device, but...I don't like it.  I feel in junior high.

I hate today.  I hated junior high and I don't want to repeat it again today.  I think I'd better go to bed.  

Monday, January 9, 2012

The emotional state of my blood sugar

I know that stress tends to raise blood sugar numbers.  But sometimes I'm unsure of whether my emotional state is caused by my blood sugar or if my kitty-wompus (yep, I said it) blood sugar is whats causing my emotional state.
This morning I woke up with this feeling in my stomach that something wasn't right.  It could have been that I was up every hour or so testing, and I had spent the last 12 hours worried that I did something wrong when I changed my set and I maybe wasn't getting any insulin.  It could be that something dumb happened yesterday that was still bothering me today.  It could be that the same dumb thing has happened four hundred times and sometimes that means the beginning of another crappy thing...though it only means that half of the time and I was unsure which kind of time this was.  It could be that I was going back to work after 2 days off and I didn't know what to expect and I hate hate HATE feeling unprepared. Or in the dark.  Or blind sided...I just hate not knowing. could be that I was hungry and sugary juice at 4:30 this morning was the only thing in my stomach and I was misinterpreting that icky feeling as emotional when it was physical.  Was I a weird kind of irritated/crabby/emotional today because my blood sugars were up and down on their own little roller coaster for the last day or was I THAT upset about this stupid thing that shouldn't have bothered me (but on the right day may have done so no matter what) that it was messing with my blood sugar.  
Frustrating questions I don't really want to know the answer to...because either way...I feel like I'm not in control.  Either way...somethings got to be done...because I might be making myself crazy.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Diabetes doesn't care...

I'm learning something...and I'm stubborn so I'm making it more difficult than I need to I suppose.  Diabetes doesn't care.  It doesn't care that my favorite foods are the ones it hates, it doesn't care what time it is, and that time might be 3 in the morning and maybe I'm sleeping...I'm still low and diabetes does not care.  It doesn't care that I'm at a wedding, and the bride and groom are in the middle of their vows...things still beep.  Diabetes doesn't care.  It doesn't care about when we're busy at work and I don't have time to stop and eat something, it doesn't care that today was suppose to be a day to do doesn't care that I took all the right steps and it looks right now like diabetes didn't even notice that I set a higher temporary basil because I was planning on not leaving the couch.  It doesn't care that I OVER bolused for the pizza I ate, without apology.  Diabetes obviously doesn't care because 7 hours after I ate the pizza my pump FINALLY stopped telling me to treat my high and test for ketones.  But not by blood sugar is 4 points below that warning.  
I've had this pump for almost a week.  I'm not great at it yet.  I'll get it, and while the first few days were a frustrating medley of lows, we lowered my basil just a TINY bit and I'm feeling better...I'm feeling good enough to see the benefits.  I opened on Friday morning at work and before I left my house I set a temporary basil at -30% knowing I would be putting away the truck then prepping for a few hours and for the first time since I was diagnosed, on an open, I didn't get low!  I was so excited I did a happy dance at the 97 that came up on my Ping :D  I saw it work when my correction bolus was a .6 and I knew giving myself that .6 instead of having to take a full unit as a shot was the difference between correcting a small high and over correcting and probably waking up low.  I see it working when I notice the bruises disappearing on my stomach (only to be replaced by the mark the tubing leaves, but we're not talking about that).  I like the pump.  I like it a lot.  
Today I changed my set by myself for the first time (first two times are done at the doctor) and I was proud of myself, first for only needing to count to 3 once before pushing the button to insert it (lol if you'd been there to witness the first time, you'd understand what a big deal this is!) and second for not forgetting something important.  I know it was the pizza, but shortly after that is when my bg started to go up...I got nervous that I did something I kept testing every half hour or so...266, 289, 297, 299...and the correction bolus my Ping said I could give each time so why in the heck was it still going up?!  Diabetes does not care that I am frustrated and confused.  Guess what happened after 299?  Your max TDD has been reached, bolus not given.  fantastic.  I don't know what that means and its 11:30 at night, how do I find out?!  I'm irritated now.  Diabetes still doesn't care.  So I call Animas to find out if I'm just not getting the bolus I tried to give or if I'm not getting the basil insulin either...neither.  I am getting neither.  Safety setting...I get it.  I know I'll be paying for this trigger happy response in a few hours.  now I'm pissed off.  Diabetes doesn't care.  
11:45...266...not a good number, but I may have lost my mind at 300.
So after the nice Animas rep tells me she'd be more than happy to walk me thru raising the amount, but it does reset at midnight so I could just wait 8 minutes and it'll start giving me insulin again.  Then she says, did you just require more insulin than normal today?  and I tear up and bite my lip as I say yeah, I ate pizza and I shouldn't have.  Stupid, stupid me.  Stupid pizza.  Stupid diabetes.  
Midnight...228.  Its probably not the site...I probably didn't mess it up.  It was probably that dumb pizza.  But I'm not convinced, I'm still nervous.  So, I type...and I catch up on my google reader.  And I get ready to watch the cutest video ever right here:
And I remind myself that this happens all the time...I read about it in blogs at least a few times a week and I cheer these people on until I get to the end of the blog and I hear that it all turned out okay.  
And then its 12:30 so I test again... 266. Awesome.  its going back up.  Of course it is, I didn't get any insulin at all for a while.  I'll give it until one before I completely lose my mind.  But if I do...diabetes won't care...