Friday, January 13, 2012

Junior High

Today I feel like I am in junior high more ways than one.  First, I got my period today and I had no idea that was going to happen.  I mean, come on...I'm 28.  12 times a year for the last 15 years this has happened.  I know the warning signs...and yet, tonight, I was completely surprised.  I cried yesterday, I ate chocolate like it was going out of style, and today...oh, today...and then it happened.  And I was shocked.  This hasn't happened since junior high.

Our boss is in town and when that happens, people go out and drink.  I enjoy it as much as everyone else does.  But tonight, I didn't get invited.  Most days, I love my job.  Most days I really like the people I work with...most days.  But there are some days mixed in there that I feel completely ineffective, or not respected, or just plain not liked.  Because my store has such a veteran staff, even though I opened the staff with a lot of them, I was gone for a couple of years and since I came back, I have not really felt like part of the group anymore.  I have made some new friends and reconnected with some old friends, not to mention that my boss is my best friend.  I've never needed to be part of the "popular" fact, my whole life I've generally disliked that group of people.  But here...I feel left a way I haven't felt since junior high...tonight I didn't want to be sitting at home after work watching tv...tonight I wanted to be out with everyone else, having a good time.  But, just like junior high, I didn't get invited...

I like  love my insulin pump.  Aside from the first time I did it myself when I either did it wrong or had a bad site or something, its been great...I can already tell its giving me more control and I am learning how to use it like a pro...but wearing it is tough.  I switched to my right side and all day long it drove me crazy...the clip pinched the skin on my waist, my work keys are also on my right side, I forget that its there and pull at my shirt...its annoying.  I'll get it, but its annoying.  Anyway.  I love it.  BUT.  I am SO self conscious about it sticking out under my shirt.  When I'm not working I wear hooded sweatshirts almost all the time, but at work, in clothes that are more fitted, I know it sticks out.  I feel like there are neon arrows surrounding me, that point to my pump and they all say, look, she's different.  Sometimes my thumb gets caught on the tubing too and when that happens I know the tubing sticks out the bottom of my shirt...I feel awkward and like I stick out...I know its probably not like that, I know its just a tiny little device, but...I don't like it.  I feel in junior high.

I hate today.  I hated junior high and I don't want to repeat it again today.  I think I'd better go to bed.  

1 comment:

  1. Unfortunately, the self-conscious part is always sort of there. :( But you do get accustomed to it after a while. I'm not sure how you're built, but I wear mine on my bra. I tuck it in the center between my chest and the bra with the clip facing the outside. It works perfectly, and no one knows it's there. I don't mind people seeing it, but in my work clothes, it sticks out like a sore thumb. Good luck! (And I hated junior high, too.)